Pardon

My life has been a slow attempt on it.

Suicide on the installment plan…

Every ounce of energy spent on annihilation.

Secretly seeking solace in isolation.

Quietly aiming for the end…

My life goal of self extinction has failed

And I live…

I live to my surprise each day…

As a matter of fact, each breath.

Moment by moment I re-align…

A compass in my head.

Small adjustments that catch my wind…

And put me on a course.

For what I’m sure there is no reason…

And no design or art.

Yet something like a prayer…

A silent second comes.

I am saved and resurrected…

A groundless pardon served.

JKF 3/24/13

Wasted

Wasted, time…breath…energy…life.

Dreaming of, emptiness…darkness…nothing.

Feeling, tired…broken…defeated.

Living, barely…ineffectively…useless.

Remembering, insecurities…humiliation…embarrassment.

Longing for, rest…quiet…the end.

Wasted, dreaming, feeling, living, remembering, longing for…decay.

JKF 3/24/13

One Love

Peace to you my friend and love.

I will always love you

Peace to you my friend and joy

My hopeful wish for you.

Though I may not be in your arms

Tonight

Though the heartless skies are black.

Peace to you my friend and love

Though we didn’t make amends for all the pain we brought

We didn’t cry in vain we didn’t cry in vain oh no we cried for love.

Inside my blood you travel dear, inside my cells you live.

And with each cut that bleeds my love, I see your face again.

Thanks to you my friend for love

Unlike another heart,

Thanks to you my dear for love

Yours is the only one

Ours is the only one

You are the only one.

You are the one my love

JKF

3/22/13

Cold Kiss

I want to be the one to kiss your forehead when you’re gone.

I know it sounds gruesome but, I want to be the one.

I wouldn’t mind it also, if. I could be there as you die, if I could feel your final breath and hear your last request.

And could it be me you call on to hold you when you’re scared?

And be the last warm kiss you give

The one I’ll miss the most.

JKF

3/21/13

Evanescence

Evanescense

There!

Did you see that?

Never mind it’s just me…

On the in breath I had a catch,   a stutter   or skipped beat,

Then on the out breath,    there… there it is again.

Just out of the corner… in the corner…I didn’t really see it.   I felt it.   A hollow, so dark…for a moment    I    was gone.

That must be what it feels like to be blind…and deaf.

I felt it slip a   little.

I feel it more these days…well, I never felt it before    but since the first time, I can summon it.

I felt it slip away.

Deep    black    and     silent…

I felt it slip.

Life.

Slipping or slithering away… this is new…

JKF

3/19/13

America. Grown up.

There have been many times I have said "I'm embarrassed to be an American." Sometimes I think our country has lost it's way. Years ago when the reality tv craze hit and news stations started presenting the news so they could get better ratings instead of providing information, I made a statement something like, "We have turned a corner and there's no going back."

Last night I watched a woman give a speech that opened my heart. I was so proud of her. I cried tears of joy for her and her family. I cried because she touched my heart. I am so proud of her and her husband, the president, that I must say, "if they are the representatives of my country, then I am proud to be an American."
I was raised in a place that most definitely one would call racist. I was raised in a family that I would call racist. I was most definitely raised in a fearful racist environment. I don't blame my family or the environment. It was all they knew. But, never-the-less, I was born in a time when the idea of Barack and Michelle in office would have been a joke, maybe even an insult to my America.

Now, there they are. I am proud of them and I am proud of my country for growing up and voting them in. I am proud of my country for choosing a man to be president, based on his values and integrity, not his color or social status. I realize that our country has come a long way from that environment I grew up in that was all about fear.Thanks Michelle for stirring up my feelings of pride in my country.

Thanks America for acting like a grown-up in the world again.

Voice

Each of us has a voice, and this is mine:

I am a great human being. 

I am full of wisdom.

I live in perfection because a human being is perfect.

I get to breathe and I don't have to worry about it when I sleep.

I wake up. 

I am awake.

I live. Without trying to.

I am amazing. 

Incredible.

All I need is air, and it is everywhere.

I am grateful.

To myself.

I have carried myself through so many things.

I am dependable. 

without me, I don't know where I'd be.

I take care of me.

I care for me.

I care for you.

I will take care of you for a while.

Then I want you to take care of yourself.

Because I care for you.

I know who I am.

I know me better, the longer I know me.

I've known me for quite a while now.

I think I'm getting better at being.

Me.

I use the word I very much.

It's easier to type than most words.

I don't always take the easy way out though.

i would be the easiest.

i am the easiest.

I takes much more mindfulness.

So, in closing, I would like to say.

I hope you have as wonderful a life as I do.

Not so much...

So yesterday, stiff and sore. Today, not so much. I'm feeling free and loose, so I guess I'll get that run in now. Funny how a little money in the bank frees things up a bit. I use to think that money wasn't  important. Now, "Not so much..."

Just lucky, I guess...

Lucky Stiff

So I woke up stiff today. Not woody stiff. Old stiff. Yeah, that’s where my mind goes first too. I woke up stiff. Just wanted to say it again. I’m feeling tight and stiff. My body is sore from kickboxing yesterday and, oh yeah, I also did 300 push-ups and 100 pull-ups before that during my cardio-bodyweight-cardio workout. So, I’m stiff. Thought about running hills today, but I think my hip-flexors might close down on me if I do. So I think I’ll just get out the magnesium oil and give myself a rub-down. Yeah, I don’t want to stay stiff, you know.

Surrender

I knew the words you used were lost

Before you even said them

I searched for signs under the frost

But lost all my momentum

Now your words are clear and bright

You take your promise back

I spend another quiet night

The fears and doubt attack

Away from you my heart still beats

Although my head is reeling

With love the letting go competes

Surrender dawns the healing

JKF

8/1/12